Last week, the lovely and talented Mrs. Zheng3 suffered through a night of fitful sleep brought on by the pathetic hourly chirping of a dying pager desperately trying to suck the last few electrons from its poorly-charged AA batteries.
It’s my fault, really. For years the battery charging duties in Zhenghaus have been attended by a venerable Die Hard battery charger. McClane, as it has come to be called, is what the Folks Who Know About Such Things call a dumb charger, which means he’ll just sit there and keep pumping juice into an already charged battery, shortening the lifespan of the cell.
I’ve got dozens of rechargeable AA’s of various stripes here in Casa de Zheng, from my pricier Sanyo Eneloops to the afterthoughtish Amazon NiMH’s. They’ve seen service in myriad devices, droids, cameras, and controllers and every now and then we find one in pretty sorry shape. They can’t seem to hold a charge for very long.
The lovely and talented Mrs. Zheng3 put at least one of these duds into her pager before hitting the sack. You can’t tell just by looking at it that a battery’s going to suck.
So upon waking for the eighth time in eight hours, the lovely and talented Mrs. Zheng3 looked deeply and lovingly into my eyes, held my hands, and, in that sultry and slightly haggard way she has after a restless night, like a naiad who bleary-eyed sipped too many mimosas with the sylphs and dryads in Elysium the night before, if that naiad was forced to carry a pager for work by her out-of-touch IT department, with pursed and waiting lips, gently, ever so gently, told me to buy a new f***ing battery charger.
Amazon Prime saves marriages. You read it here first.
How much of a charge any given AA has in this house is always an age-dependent crapshoot. Here’s hoping the PowerEx MH-C801D can bring some of them back to reliability. It’s got a conditioning mode that might do just that.
PowerEx MH-C801D: Die Unböxenung
The back of the box for the PowerEx proudly advertises that the battery status updates are “in English.” This feels like a sop to crochety dudes who are upset that the buttons on their phones are too small and that the Monkees are three times the band One Direction will ever be because at least the Monkees played instruments and didn’t prance around like strippers for crissakes. The rest of us learned to accept Engrish as the lingua franca of technical manuals in the 80’s. For great justice.
Here’s what comes in the box:
A charger, a power brick, two cables, and (pictured below) a plastic case that looks like it’ll hold 8 AA’s. Ten points to Ravenclaw for including non-polystyrene fill in the packaging. Also not pictured are a double-sided single page instruction sheet and a glossy promotion for PowerEx’s other products.
The product feels sturdy enough, and the power brick’s LED glows green like wyrmwood when it’s plugged in. It’s a nice variation from the blinking blue LED constellation up in this humpty-bump.
PowerEx MH-C801D: Das Batterieladenungenschlaft
(My German’s pretty rusty, but I think it’s safe to just make words up by stringing loosely-related concepts together. German’s the Human Centipede of languages.)
The instructions (in English!) for the MH-C801D indicate that conditioning can take up to fourteen hours. I have this thing with new electronics. I don’t like to leave them plugged in for too long without supervision. At least, not at first. So I set the battery charger up in my bedroom with the idea that the smell of burning plastic should rouse me from my melatonin-fueled catatonia before the house burns to the ground.
The UI for battery conditioning is an artifact of the consumer electronics design process. Keeping costs down requires engineers to use hardware without adding fancy gewgaws, so it’s insert a battery, press and hold the (cryptically labeled) conditioning button within 5 seconds, wait until the LCD screen displays a very tiny “condition” indicator, and then put in the remaining batteries.
The LCD tells me that I’ve got a range of battery charges from the handful I popped into the charger, and the conditioning process begins with an initial charge. The display’s a little faint, so I have to get all up in its grill and squint at the indicator.
After an hour or so battery slot 1 has fully charged, and slot 6 has already begin to discharge.
And just before bedtime the recharge process has begun in slot 6 while the other slots continue to discharge. The aforementioned conditioning button is on the left side of the unit.
Sometime overnight everyone got topped up, and the charge is done. Also, I didn’t wake to a raging inferno, so the unit passes the new electronic-gizmo-kill-you-in-your-sleep anxiety test and is now a welcome member of the household.
Every AA I can find in the house gets a conditioned replacement, which means I have a new passel of batteries in need of love. No problems, and a day later I have another eight conditioned AA’s to put in my new plastic case.
Take a look at the right side of the box and you’ll see that it can hold AAA’s as well, if they’re inserted crosswise. The MH-C801D can recharge and condition AAA’s too, I just didn’t have any around that I could use to test this feature.
PowerEx MH-C801D: Die Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz
I still have a few AA’s left over that have been neither conditioned nor recharged, so I shall attempt a rapid charge. This is the default mode for the PowerEx, just drop your batteries into slots and wait. It should take about an hour.
The instructions warn that the batteries may become hot to the touch during a rapid charge. How hot? Not hot enough to be uncomfortable to the touch. Not snuggly, but not uncomfortable, and you shouldn’t be snuggling with batteries anyway, you pervert.
Thankfully the designers resisted the urge to make the charger chirp or blink when it’s done, unlike some products I could name. Sometimes the features that don’t make it into a product are as important as the ones that do.
The lovely and talented Mrs. Zheng3’s pager hasn’t chirped once since the battery swap, so I think we can call this one a success. Go out, grab one of these, and ensure domestic tranquility and equitable charge distribution in your home. In English, or whatever language flöatzens your böatzens.